How NOT to make a game #4 Kimulator: Fight for your destiny. (or Kim Jong Un simulator) In depth analysis.

“Molina?”

“You ok?”

“Umm.. should I-”

AM I OK??!! YOU ASK!!!!

Yes.

I’m quite good, I’m fan-FUCKING-tastic thank you for your concern!

I can not even put into words what the fuck I just witnessed! I am so dumbfounded by this very… THING I just played!

Smokey
Calm down, calm down. Remember what your doctor said about your blood pressure.. Calm, calm.

So! This… what do I even call this? This interactive pain bringer! Yeah, that’s good, is called Kimulator. Formerly known as Kim Jong Un Simulator at one point. And… it’s a bit… Uuh, you know what, click this link right here: Kimulator trailer 2. It’s a trailer for the game.

Once you watch it, then you’ll get a better understanding of what we’re dealing with here.

#1 This is a real game?!

I bet you’ll ask yourself this out loud when you watch that trailer for the first time. I know I did.

But to answer that question, you bet your sweet rosy red ass cheeks it is! I almost couldn’t believe it myself. Here’s the Steam store page:

20160630_163108[1]
Yes… this is real. 0_0
So this no doubt masterful work of art that will provoke critical thought leading to the betterment of the human race, comes to us from up north. A group of kids who call themselves BMC studios.

20160630_155304[1]
Get ready to duck and cover. 0_0
Now, I first encountered these guys while watching one of Jim Sterling’s Best of Steam Greenlight trailers series, in which Jim watched 9 trailers of games all made by BMC.

One of the reoccurring themes of BMC is that they try to be a comedy studio. Inserting comedy into their games. Ok, not bad so far.

They would routinely have live-action style cutscenes in where they attempt to be funny.

20160630_155626[1]
This was from one of their trailers for a game called “The MoonWalking Dead.”
“OMG Praxsi, what’s so bad about this? A comedy studio sounds kinda fun, are you against fun or something?”

Well now hold on to your boots there fictitious internet person, there’s only one problem…

Ok, you know “that” friend. You know, “that” friend? Everyone has encountered “that” friend. That friend who is really bad at telling jokes and being funny in general. But he still tries and when he does, it’s makes you want to cringe so hard your eyes fall out? Yeah.. It’s pretty much that.

Seriously, A clown’s funeral is funnier than this.

Why is that? A few reasons:

One, the actors are always laughing at their own jokes WHILE STILL ON CAMERA! That’s a big no-no.

Two, they’re constantly snickering as well. (See Ex. 1)

Three, the delivery is either flat or the joke is poorly timed. Killing all sense of humor.

Four, they always smirk at the camera, another big no-no.

Five, there’re really bad repeated shots and constant, unnecessary cuts. Ruining the pacing.

This is a guide on how not to do comedy, curtsy of BMC studios.

#2 The “Story” of Kim Jong Un simulator.

Alright boys and girls, we are about to dive straight into the “humor” of BMC. Prep thine anus for the brutality to come.

So BMC’s central tenet for humor seems to be based entirely in internet memes. You know what I mean. Troll face, grumpy cat, the “I am not impressed”, Keep calm and…, you get the point.

Kim Jong Un is quite the meme himself. He’s pretty much a big joke to the U.S. constantly being parodied and laughed at. BMC decided to themselves that they could jump on that band wagon as well. The only problem? Kim Jong Un jokes stopped being funny, like, YEARS ago.

But hey, who says you gain nothing from beating a dead horse even more to death. Not BMC, that’s for sure!

Here, you are a French Canadian soldier named… French Canadian soldier.

20160630_162817[1]
Wearing a hoodie and a bicycle helmet. Typical and highly practical combat gear of course.
You have been tasked to invade North Korea and assassinate Kim Jong Un. Obviously.

“Who just farted?”

You were tasked by this man, who I assume is a general, and if you fail, he will personally kill your dad… I wish I was kidding.

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The literal line of dialogue: “If you fail, I will personally kill your dad.” Yeah, the joke being that the military is known for killing the family of… fellow soldiers? What?!?!
Also, should you really be sending this guy in wearing a BRIGHT RED SHIRT WITH THE WORD CANADA ON IT!!! What? Do you want them to easily find out what country tried to kill their great leader?! Why don’t you camouflage him in maple syrup and Tim Horton’s coffee while you’re at it?

He also has Jesus to help him out… I’m not joking, I swear to God!

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Get it, you see what I did there BMC? That’s called a joke. A little help from me to you. 🙂
As far as plot goes, that’s it. I guess BMC wanted to make a game solely around one joke, but then realized it would be stupidly hard, but continued regardless.

On your journey into This-is-totally-North-Korea-and-not-just-somewhere-in-my-neighborhood, French Canadian soldier gets caught by one guy patrolling in the middle of the field. So realistic, I know.

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This was the point were I heard a horribly offensive Kim Jong Un impression. Where I heard him say:

“He probably from the States, they give me so much money for him.” Then the 1 guy doing both voices says in a bad Batman impression:

“He is not from the States.” Then, in his offensive Korean voice, he says:

“Oh, I see, he probably from Japan or something.”

Are you fucking kidding me?! Do you not see the giant word CANADA on his fucking shirt? Is everyone in North Korea this stupid?

20160630_181807[1]
Why did no one put hand cuffs on him? What? You could afford a toy AK but you can’t afford some toy handcuffs? Seriously?
But then our hero breaks out of custody and shoots at… nothing. Along with horrible gun sound effects!

20160630_182056[1]
Told ya you should’ve restrained him, dumbass.
After shooting at imaginary people for 2 minutes or so, instead of going to kill Kim Jong Un, he retreats. Only to be threatened once again that the general guy will kill his puppy as well if he fails one more time. It wasn’t funny the first time, and still isn’t.

What the fuck is up with this guy and killing puppies and other people’s family members? It couldn’t be that he’s actually the villain could it?.. Shit, I spoiled the ending.

So why did I go through all that detail? Well, that’s all the game really has to offer. And if I’m honest… It could’ve actually been funny.

Think about it, a cheesy action game where you are sent to kill Kim Jong Un by yourself. That actually sounds like some cheesy,over-the-top, B movie fun. That is, if it was given to someone who actually knows the basics of humor, or comedy in general for that matter.

There are seeds of a good idea here, but they used piss instead of water to grow the seed, if that makes any sense.

#3 What about the game-play of this “interactive pain bringer.” 

“Alright Praxsi, it’s not funny in your opinion. Ok fine, but what about the game-play? Certainly that’s better, right?”

Gameplay? What gameplay?

Ok, there is gameplay… technically.

Well hey, sure the comedy is tepid, but maybe that wasn’t their focus. Alright, let’s see what our game looks like:

20160630_162906[1]
Eeeeewwwwww. 0_0

Blahhh! Dear sweet shit biscuit Christ that’s putrid!

Yes, this is a real screen shot in-game.

Oh well, maybe the graphics look like the jolly green giant pissed all over the screen, but what about the combat? Is it any good?

No!

Why in the 9 divines did BMC think it was a good idea to have you die instantly from a few bullets? Why? These AI couldn’t miss if their life depended on it!

Apparently, North Korea is mostly trees and one random building in the middle of nowhere. 20160630_190854[1]

 Could someone explain to me why there’s just soldiers randomly distributed throughout a  big forest? What the hell are they defending? The trees?

Also, why do some of these enemies look nothing like soldiers?

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Holy shit! A red ninja! (No joke, this is awesome, I wish the game was about this guy!)

Why the hell do I give so much of a shit? Because this blog is called “In-depth analysis.” It’s what I do!

#4 An open letter to BMC

Alright, I’m well aware that it sounds like I hate the shit out of this game. But in all honesty, I did laugh a few times.

Not at the actual jokes, just at how bad and cringy it is.

Besides that, I could at least tell these guys enjoyed doing it. I respect that a lot, and I’m glad these guys are having fun doing it. I know what having a passion for something feels like.

If I had to ask one serious question, I would ask, why is this on Steam?

Why? Why didn’t you just put you and your mates on Youtube? Why did you feel the need to put it on Greenlight with some horribly made game attached to it?

BMC, I see where your passion truly lies, but yet you for some reason feel the need to be a game developer instead of a content creator for Youtube. I do think that there is an audience for what you guys do.

Do I hate this game? Yes, obviously. But the whole live action camera footage I think had some potential for laughs if the jokes were better.

Might I suggest you just stick to that and not making games. Cause, let’s be honest, this is fucking horrendous as a game.

I’m not as mean as I sometimes come off as, I like to see people get better and give them some kind of worth while feed back.

On that note, see you all next time on… Praxsi yelling and rambling sessions, next week at whenever the fuck I feel like it O’clock.

 

 

 

 

 

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